Almond

Faux Danish Pastries

August 25, 2013

I want to be completely honest with you, I think our relationship deserves that much, don’t you? Real talk. I love danish pastries. Come on, you know you do too. I can’t get enough of them. In fact, I love them so much that I can eat about twenty and it still wouldn’t be enough. I’d want more and more. All day, everyday. I’m not even kidding. Okay, maybe a little, but I only exaggerate out of my love for danish. Real talk. The problem with my infatuation for these treats is that I want to be able to make them at home and feel like I’m a fancy Danish baker that specializes in making homemade danishes. Real talk. The one thing that stops me from fulfilling said danish dreams is the fact that I’m really lazy when it comes to procedures in the kitchen that take way too much time and effort. I don’t like overly complicated recipes. Honest to goodness real danish pastry dough is so time consuming and involves all these not-so-complicated-steps-but-to-me-they’re-the-most-stressful-steps, steps. Not only is it labor intense but it also takes a lot of time to rest and do it’s magic. Who can wait that long?! Not me, my friends. Real talk. I don’t have that kind of time. Something tells me, you might be in the same boat and don’t have much time for tedious pastry work either. If that’s the case then you’ll want to stay tuned and continue reading because I’m bringing you not one, not even two, but three—yes friends THREE—fake out danish pastry recipes. You’re welcome.

How do you fake out danish, you might ask? Well I’m so glad you did ask, because boy do I have the perfect answer. Two words for you, puff pastry. Wait. Scratch that. I have four words for you, store bought puff pastry. That sounds a lot better, no? Yes, it does my friends. Yes it does. It might not be the most authentic version of danish—it’s actually missing that yeast factor shhh—but it’s still just as tasty, and when it’s all said and done folks, isn’t that all that really matters? Well that, and that I’ve just cut your danish making time in half. I expect a monument named after me for this. Real talk. I’m only partially kidding about that one.

Sure I could have just offered you one danish recipe and called it a day, but what kind of person would I be if I didn’t share all three recipes with you? I’d be a selfish human being that’s for sure. Especially since I had all three ideas in my head for the longest time. I couldn’t decide which one you’d prefer more. That’s a lie. The truth, real talk, is that I couldn’t decide which I really wanted to eat more. Okay there it’s out there now. So instead of limiting myself to devouring just one pastry, I decided to have all the pastries. ALL THE PASTRIES. I put on my wizard hat and started calling myself “The Danish Magician.” I wouldn’t respond to people calling me by any other name. My family kept saying, “Jon this…” and “Jonathan that…” but whatever they said went unacknowledged and unanswered until they referred to me as The Danish Magician. Or Danish The Great. Real talk. That really didn’t happen. I couldn’t get them to call me either of those things. So for now, I’m still just plain ol’ Jonathan. That’s not even majestical, but it’ll have to do. Plain ol’ lousy Jonathan with three killer danish recipes. Real talk, you’ll love them as much as I did.

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Almond Fruit Tart

October 28, 2011

Birthdays come at us once a year. We yearn impatiently, in our younger years, for our special day. With our family and friends close at hand, we look forward to celebrating the day we came into this world. The one day where we get all the attention and no one thinks twice about it, because it’s our day. It’s the day where we are entitled to all sorts of privileges. Presents, balloons, games, food, and of course cake await us. We manage to sit through all the conversation from relatives we hardly see, but few times a year. We force down food, just because we know we have to eat something. Tearing apart wrapping paper after wrapping paper, admiring our gifts but secretly only thinking about the best part of the night. The part that comes at the very end, after all the food has been eaten, all the games have been played, and all the presents have been opened. As we get older the impatience soon fades into dread and we can’t seem to get excited anymore. With each passing birthday, it reminds us that we’re getting older. But in the back of our minds, one thing definitely still excites us; cake. They sing to us, in total darkness, with just the gleam of the candles dancing around, illuminating this special scene. We make our wish, the one that truly counts. Blow out the candles, and then with a sigh of relief, as if someone out there in this universe heard our cries, the first slice is made. And just as the knife is about to go in for the second slice, you stop the designated cutter, and say “What, are you afraid it’s going to run out? How about a bigger piece? A little bigger. A little more. There you go.” And as this massive piece of cake is placed in front of you, it slips your mind that you’ve just, not moments ago, devoured a whole meal. And for that one moment in time you forget about everything and everyone. Everything you worry about, goes out the window. Carbs, fats, and calories don’t matter. There’s no place for them in your party. As you eat your slice of cake, your in a euphoric place. A trance. One that is not only delightful but divine. What is it about birthday cakes that make us feel this way? Perhaps its all the attention we get on our birthday. Perhaps its the fact that we’re surrounded by those we love. Maybe its the idea of feeling happy. Whatever it is, you eat your cake slowly and blissfully, wishing, no, hoping that it wont end anytime soon. Good thing we get a whole cake; its alright to have another piece. In fact I encourage it. After all, it’s our birthday, and we could eat more if we want to.

It was my soon-to-be-brother-in-law’s birthday and I was faced with a tough dilemma. The man doesn’t like cake. After I found out, fainted, and came to, I started brainstorming. We need to have some sort of something. After all, birthday cake is the main part of celebrating birthdays. I knew that he loved fruit so I came up with a concept of making a tart. Well with this new concept, all sorts of ideas came to mind. However a new dilemma also arose. Most fresh fruit tarts have a custard in the middle, well, he has a phobia for white creamy things. So a vanilla pastry cream was out of the question. I found a recipe for an almond shortbready type tart. After a few needed alterations I came up with the perfect tart. Just the right centerpiece for a birthday party, with all the bells, whistles, oohs and ahhs, still present. Well, what are we waiting for?

For the crust:

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